There’s a version of me who would’ve burned it all down just to prove I wasn’t the one to f*ck with.
But she doesn’t lead anymore.
She still lives inside me—
But she’s no longer behind the wheel when tension rises, when I’m triggered, or when someone crosses a line.
That didn’t come from reading a book or learning how to “communicate better.”
It came from being brought to my knees in the kind of conflict that doesn’t just sting…
It strips you down to ground zero.
We all say we want truth.
But truth gets dangerous when it dares to dismantle your ego.
There was a moment, not that long ago, when someone I once loved turned on me.
Not in a fight. Not in a moment of heat.
But after the friendship had ended…with precision and ill intent.
I could’ve fired back. I know how.
I had the receipts. I had the rage. I had the version of myself that used to think retaliation was the only way to reclaim power.
(Don’t think I won’t turn my life into a Dateline episode in 2.5 seconds flat if I need to…)
But I didn’t.
And not because I was trying to be “the bigger person.”
I did it because the woman I’ve become doesn’t lead from reactivity.
She leads from truth and honor.
That moment didn’t just teach me something about betrayal.
It taught me everything about conflict.
Because here’s what most people get wrong:
Conflict isn’t the breakdown.
It’s the reveal.
The mirror.
The moment your ego and your integrity go head-to-head.
They are in the arena together, squared up.
And the fight doesn’t always happen out loud.
Sometimes the biggest throwdowns happen behind your eyes.
This isn’t just about resolving arguments.
Conflict shows up everywhere:
– In your marriage, where you avoid the hard conversations because you don’t want to be “too much,” or it’s not worth the disruption.
– In your business, when your need for control suffocates the very team you’re trying to empower.
– In your parenting, when your kid’s resistance touches the part of you that still hasn’t healed.
– And maybe most of all… in the mirror.
Where the person staring back is holding it together while your soul is mid-mutiny and choking on resentment.
We were never taught how to do conflict cleanly.
We were taught to avoid it, dominate it, manipulate it, or disappear from it.
And then we wonder why our relationships are performative, our leadership fragile, and our self-trust shaky at best.
That’s why I don’t just teach the Enneagram.
I use it like a scalpel—clean, precise, and powerful.
(And I can show you how to be masterful with it too.)
Here are 5 ways the Enneagram becomes your sharpest tool in conflict…
1. Know the Pattern Beneath the Problem
That argument you keep replaying…
That tension in your chest before the conversation even starts…
That urge to fix it, avoid it, dominate it, or disappear from it…
It’s not about what happened.
It’s about what that moment threatened to expose.
Because everything about the Enneagram points you to one thing:
Your core motive and your core fear—the roots beneath the reflex.
Each of us is wired to chase something: being strong, being right, being loved.
And we’ll do anything to protect that motive when conflict arises.
Right beneath that motive is the fear our type would die on a hill to avoid—
Being seen as weak. Being rejected. Being betrayed. Being unprepared. Being unseen.
And when that fear gets triggered?
You don’t just react…you armor up.
But the person across from you? They’re doing the same thing.
The Enneagram hands you both the language and the map—so when things go sideways, you’re not just reacting to chaos…
you’re rooted in clarity.
That’s how you reclaim your power—without bulldozing theirs.
2. Stop Making It Personal—Start Making It Useful
When someone shuts down, lashes out, or throws words like daggers—
It feels personal.
But what you’re seeing is rarely the full truth. It’s a defense.
Your type rushes in to protect your core motive and defend your core fear.
Theirs does too.
Without that awareness? You’re not resolving anything.
You’re stuck in a power struggle with no actual truth at the table.
The Enneagram helps you zoom out.
It shows you what’s actually going on beneath the surface.
You don’t have to excuse their behavior.
But you also don’t have to make it about you.
When you use this tool right, conflict becomes less personal—and more powerful.
3. Listen for the Fear Beneath the Fight
People don’t fight because they’re angry.
They fight because they’re afraid.
Afraid of losing control.
Afraid of being seen too clearly.
Afraid of not mattering.
Each Enneagram type has a fear it’s trying to outrun.
And in conflict? That fear grabs the mic.
Some go silent. Some go savage. Some go somewhere in between.
But underneath? They’re all scared.
If you only react to the fight, you miss the opportunity.
The Enneagram helps you tune into what’s actually going on beneath the noise—
the fear, the insecurity, the ache.
And when you can hear that—*your own and theirs—*you can lead without flinching.
4. Take Responsibility Without Losing Yourself
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean carrying shame.
And it sure as hell doesn’t mean co-signing bullshit behavior.
But most of us weren’t taught the difference.
Some of us apologize for everything, hoping it’ll smooth the tension.
Others refuse to own anything, afraid it’ll collapse their credibility.
The Enneagram shows you the ego game you play in the midst of conflict.
And then it gives you a way out. Honorably.
This is about standing in your integrity—even if it shakes.
It’s about saying:
Here’s what I own. And here’s what I won’t carry.
That’s not ego.
That’s evolution.
5. Let Conflict Shape You, Not Shame You
Most people fear conflict because they think it means something’s wrong.
But what if it means you’re ready?
Conflict invites you to stop performing and start transforming.
To stop protecting your image and start deepening your truth.
To stop bracing for impact—and lean in.
The Enneagram helps you meet that edge—
and hold your ground when everything in you wants to shut down.
So you don’t just navigate conflict…
You alchemize it.
Because real leaders don’t avoid the fire.
They know how to stand in it without burning everything down.
Let’s land this.
Conflict doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
It doesn’t mean something has failed.
It means something matters.
Something real is being revealed.
Something true is asking to be seen, understood, and led differently.
We’ve been taught to fear conflict.
To fix it fast.
To disappear from it.
To interpret it as danger…
Instead of what it often is:
A doorway to something deeper.
When you stop running from conflict…
And start recognizing it as the catalyst for growth, clarity, and connection—
Everything changes.
When you quit bracing for impact—and listen… really listen…
You don’t just repair trust.
You earn it.
In your marriage.
In your business.
In the mirror.
The Enneagram doesn’t make conflict easy.
It makes it honest.
It makes it transformative.
It gives you the kind of credibility that can’t be faked—
Because it’s forged.
And if you’re ready to not just understand the Enneagram—but to integrate it at the roots so you can lead, live, and love from that truth…
Level One of The Enneagram Edge Elevated Certification is where that begins.
This isn’t about collecting information.
It’s about embodying transformation.
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